Monday, June 13, 2011

BREITBART: I've Got Weiner's Colonoscopy, Genome

Rep. Anthony Weiner’s (D-NY) political and personal problems deepened today with reports that conservative blogger Andrew Breitbart has come into possession of Weiner’s recent colonoscopy and a complete chart of his entire genetic structure.  The images were transmitted via Twitter to several women with whom he was conducting online conversations.

Political observers are taking these latest reports seriously. Breitbart’s earlier claims that he possessed lewd photographs Weiner tweeted to young women proved correct when Weiner admitted they were photos of him, or parts of him, and that he had sent them to the young women in question.

Weiner, Cats
Since then, Breitbart has posted self-portraits of a shirtless Weiner and has displayed a photo said to be Weiner’s massively engorged johnson, also said to have been sent to a young woman via Twitter. The image of the fully turgid thunderstick appeared to be a cell phone photo of a photo displayed on a cell phone that was originally taken by a cell phone. Despite the degraded image, Rep. Weiner has not denied that the luridly gleaming tumescence is his, possibly because it favorably compares in shape and volume what appears to be an unopened tube of Family Size Sensodyne Iso-Active Multi-Action toothpaste that also appears in the photograph.

The reports of tweeted images of Rep. Weiner’s lower intestine and gene map will likely prove a challenge to efforts to rehabilitate his image. Weiner, whose marriage to Hillary Clinton aide Huma Abedin was performed by Bill Clinton, has been seeking advice from the former president on how to handle this crisis. However, the Weiners’ family dog, a Samoyed named “Schumie,” has denied taking the pictures or sending the offending tweets. His alibi -- that he was out of the country representing the U.S. at a tree-planting ceremony in Kenya with First Dog Bo and lacks opposable thumbs -- has been verified by Julian Assange’s dog, “Leaky.”

On his website (, Breitbart speculates that Weiner’s relationship with the numerous young women began as what was intended to be merely a joking display of his furiously aroused wrinklebeast. But, Breitbart states, “as the exchanges became progressively more intimate, it seems that Weiner thought it important to convey ever more complete information on his reproductive allure and evolutionary suitability.”

The new images, which Breitbart is currently sharing only with upper level Justice Department officials and and wacky morning AM radio DJs, show that Weiner is enjoying robust alimentary health and does indeed have a set of recognizably human chromosomes.

Eventually, Breitbart speculates, Weiner became obsessed with digitizing and preserving for transmission every imageable part of his body, “in line with his public calls for full disclosure and transparency at the federal level.”

The images were reportedly sent to a Luby’s waitress in Dime Box, Texas; LeBron James's mother Gloria James; and Marilyn vos Savant.

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